There are many ways of navigating Break Up Ocean. Welcome to mine.
Throughout my years of studying osteopathy, I was in a (mostly) steady and loving relationship, a soft landing to come home to and an invaluable support. After graduation, I figured my life path was "set." But gosh- the only constant in life is change eh? My relationship came to a crumpling (yet somehow still loving) end, and my path ahead seemingly combusted.
I was rocked. I remember the first night alone experiencing total numbness. Ah, dissociation! In that moment I had such awe and gratitude for my body- it was sparing me from feeling the depths of emotional pain that was simply too overwhelming to handle. A life raft to my sea of despair. I guess my body soon after figured I was strong enough to swim/feel, and away floated the raft. I thrashed my way through that sea for days until the waves calmed, cold and grey. I called out "catch meeeee" to friends and family, and lovingly, they cast a net and I drip dried. The waves of emotions are exhausting.
That numbness experience taught me to appreciate the sheer genius of the body's ability to dissociate, something several of my clients have told me they've experienced, sometimes for years. As I understand it now, being able to feel your body, even if it hurts, is a sign that it feels safe and capable enough to process the discomfort.
My heart then turned SO tender and soft. I found a new level of gentleness I did not know I was capable of.
The weeks following I had night sweats. Turns out a break up is physiologically similar to withdrawal. Understanding this was comforting in a way. I could see it as the normal and necessary expression that my body was recalibrating to life without the chemicals (serotonin? oxytocin? Huberman, you'd probably be able to tell us) I was previously getting from being partnered.
From the sea of despair I moved to the swamp of blah. Murky waters, stagnancy, and unclear direction of flow. The stink of rotting dreams. A necessary decay. Yet, in this muddy swamp, cute frogs swim, smooth green lily pads shine, chill fish do their thing, and beavers continue along with the work that's gotta get done. I hung out in that stanky swamp for a while.
"Calm the muddy water, it becomes clear," says Tao. Gradually the swamp's filtering function + time allowed me to drain into a clear lake. I've been floating. Sometimes I get tired and sink a bit, or swim into a rock- such is life.
Being at work every day along the way was truly a grounding force, creating a reference point for my recalibrating compass. And you, my clients- goodness, thank you! Shared chuckles, stories, tears, glee, trust, discovery. The wind in my sails!
Curiosity - asking new questions - and saying YES to opportunities has got me feeling lighter and lighter. Next week I'm going to evaporate, up into the atmosphere (in a plane), and then I will descend in the form of raindrops onto Vancouver Island. What's next? Probably a puddle.
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